Reinforce your codependency this month with control and long walks on the beach. Here are eight timeless things to do with your bitch over the weekend.
1. Take her for a walk. If you don't take her outside at least once a day she gets twitchy and starts texting her ex. Let her sniff things or chase squirrels. Let her believe she has autonomy.
2. Feed her high-protein meals. She deserves the best. Raw diet, okay. Expensive treats? Of course. But don't be surprised if she still eats garbage off the street.
3. Take her to a park to stare down other bitches. It's when she feels most free. Wind in her hair, chaos in her eyes, and Taylor Swift in her soul. This is her main moment. Don't ruin it.
4. Microchip her. In case she gets lost (again). Or worse, in case she finds herself in a toxic group chat. Best to track that descent in real time.
5. Enroll her in obedience school. Because explaining things like decency to her in the Target parking lot is getting tiresome.
6. Enter her in a competition. Watch her turn feral. You have never seen your bitch's true self until she is in a pageant, a drag competition, or a small claims courtroom.
7. Teach her a new trick. Roll over. Play dead. Pretend to be supportive. Trick training keeps her sharp and reminds her who runs this co-dependent circus.
8. Put her in a cute outfit and pretend everything's fine. Match the sweaters and coordinate. You don't have to heal, but you can accessorize the dysfunction.
Remember: A well-maintained bitch is a happy bitch. Follow these simple steps and you'll have successfully transformed a perfectly healthy human being into someone who can't make decisions at the grocery store without texting you seventeen times. Sure, it's dysfunctional. But at least you'll never have to face the terrifying prospect of eating dinner alone, or the prospect of healthy boundaries. After all, why work on yourself when you could work on someone else?