Detroit seniors may be sitting on more than they realize. Or they may not be. It depends heavily on their ability to navigate a state benefits portal that was last updated in 2017 and still recommends Internet Explorer.

"People assume they're already getting everything they're owed," said Regional Benefits Coordinator Darlene Whitfield-Hayes. "But most seniors we talk to are only claiming three, maybe four. That leaves seven or eight benefits just sitting there, waiting for someone patient enough to stay on hold through the entire runtime of a Tyler Perry movie."

Benefit #1: DTE Senior Comfort Credit. A $9.40 monthly credit applied to residential DTE accounts. To enroll, seniors must call the Senior Rate Helpline (Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, 10 AM–11:30 AM), provide their account number, Social Security number, and the PIN created during the 2014 account migration. Current average hold time: 47 minutes. "It's worth it," Whitfield-Hayes said, without elaborating.

Benefit #2: DDOT Priority Boarding Card. A laminated green card granting priority boarding on DDOT buses. Drivers are not required to honor it. "We encourage it," said a DDOT spokesperson, who declined to say how strongly.

Benefit #3: Secretary of State Skip-Ahead Voucher. One use per year. Skips the cardholder ahead of approximately eleven people in line at any Secretary of State location. Current average wait time at Detroit offices: two hours and seventeen minutes. "It's something," Whitfield-Hayes confirmed.

Benefit #4: Eastern Market Senior Hour. The first Saturday of each month, registered seniors receive priority access to Eastern Market vendors from 7 to 8 AM. "Most of them were already there," one vendor told The Motorcity Mouth. "They were there before we were. They helped us set up. One of them knew where the extension cord goes."

Benefit #5: Coney Dog Dignity Voucher. One free Coney dog per month, redeemable at either Lafayette Coney Island or American Coney Island. Not both. You must choose. "People think choosing will be fast," said program administrator Terrence Boudreaux. "It is not fast. We have had seniors standing at that intersection for forty-five minutes. We do not rush them. That's dignity."

Benefit #6: Belle Isle Open Water Swim Voucher. One complimentary entry per month to the Belle Isle Open Water Swim, a supervised 400-meter course held in the Detroit River. Water temperature in April: 41 degrees. Wetsuits are not provided but are, per the waiver, "strongly advised." "It's invigorating," said volunteer coordinator Brent Malloy. "We've had a lot of signups." When asked about completion rates among participants over 70, Malloy said he didn't have those numbers in front of him.

Benefit #7: Adult Parkour Fundamentals (Free Enrollment). A six-week introductory course at Movement Lab Detroit covering basic vaulting, precision jumping, and what the syllabus describes as "flow movement through urban environments." The facility is on the third floor of a Midtown building. There is no elevator. Classes meet Saturday mornings at 8 AM. "Age is just a number," said lead instructor Cody, 24. The benefit covers enrollment. Grip chalk is sold separately.

Benefits #8 and #9 include: a free annual Michigan DNR fishing license ("It has been free since 2001. We have been saying this for twenty-four years. Please tell your relatives.") and a Pharmacy Savings Card offering an additional 1.2% discount on generic prescriptions not covered under Medicare Part D. "That's on top of the existing discount," Whitfield-Hayes clarified. "So the total is, yes, 1.2%."

Benefit #10: Property Tax Comfort Credit. A one-time annual rebate of up to $185 on primary residence property taxes for homeowners over 62. Requires Form DP-596, a copy of the deed, a letter from the City Assessor's office, and, per section 4B of the application, "the name of the neighbor who filed a zoning complaint against you between 2015 and 2021, if applicable."

"It's a lot of paperwork," Whitfield-Hayes acknowledged. "But so was buying the house."

Benefit #11: End-of-Year Gratitude Blizzard (December Only). One large Blizzard at the Warren Avenue Dairy Queen, any flavor, no restrictions, funded through a combination of state wellness dollars and a personal contribution from franchise owner Derek Stamos.

"I match it out of my own pocket," Stamos said. "December's hard for a lot of people. If a large Oreo Blizzard makes somebody feel seen, that's money well spent." He is, as far as anyone can confirm, the only person currently administering a state benefit out of a Dairy Queen on Warren Avenue.

Whitfield-Hayes encouraged all eligible Detroiters to visit their local benefits office or call the helpline. "These are people who worked their whole lives for this city," she said. "The least we can do is give them a fishing license and a Blizzard." She paused. "And the other nine things."